Michael's Testimony

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Everybody likes to think that their dad is a superhero. I learned at an early age, that isn't always the case. As I pled with him. I forget the exact words he used. They made me feel so much shame within myself that I never brought it up again, until I could hold it no longer, over 40 years later.

My name is Michael. I'm currently a prisoner at DeKalb Correction. God has put it on my heart to share my story. Being an inmate, written is the only way I can share it in. I'm not much of a speaker and as you will soon see, not much on spelling either. But when God wants you to do something you will never have rest in your spirit until it is done. After reading I pray that you are renewed with the knowledge that we are stuck and powerless without The Father, Son, and Holy Spirit.

I wish I could say my life has been ordinary. I was born in Grundy Co. Tenn. We were by any measure poor. Pretty much everyone was. My loving mother would walk me and my brother to a sitters house, turn around and walk back past our waterless, powerless trailer to her job at a shirt factory. My dad wasn't in the picture much and wasn't much good when he was.

It was at this sitters house that I experienced life altering traumatic abuse. Both sexual and physical abuse. I wish it was just beating that went to far, but it wasn't. I've decided not to speak much on the sexual abuse due to my readers. I will however tell you plainly about the physical abuse. It was just as tramatic, trust me. But this abuse led my life to near destruction until 2 years ago.

My first childhood memorys was fighting for my life at the hands of a man 50+ years old. Screaming, kicking my legs, slinging my arms in a cast iron bath tub as my attacker had his hand wound up in my hair. This kicking and flopping around in that cast iron tub hurt me but never as bad as my head hurt from being pinned to the bottom of that tub. The force he used was unbearable. With the tub plugged and water slowly filling the tub gave me plenty of time to panic. As usual when I would start choking on the water he would suddenly let me up. It seemed like it took forever for the water level to make it to my face but in reality it was only a minute or so.

After a few times I knew what to expect, but it never made it any better. I wanted to run away but at 4 or 5 years old, the end of the yard was never far enough. Running away was my go-to thing whenever things got tough all the way into my teens. Running away never made things better, just delayed the inevitable.

The very last time this happened he held me down for to long and the result was he had to breath life back into me while beating on my back. I came to coughing up water and crying my eyes out. In my panic I remember throwing my arms around his neck and just holding him. This hug made me hate myself for over 40 years.

Through the rest of my childhood up into my teenage years I had trouble at school, acting out, schoolwork was very hard, it was hard to focus.

By this time around the last physical abuse my dad was back in the picture. Any young kid thinks that dad will fix anything. I thought if I told dad, he would whoop him. I don't remember many times my dad stood up for what was right. After I told him he said something hurtful and told me about the shame it would bring to us all. As you may have noticed I didn't tell you about the sexual abuse. Just the words sexual abuse says enough. I will say this, use how sick the physical abuse was and know it was the same man.

Two years ago God was working on me hard. My Aunt and Uncle was guiding me through scripture and I felt free enough to tell them about the above and how it made me feel. At the same time my lawyer felt it nessasary for a mental health exam, landing me in downtown Los Angeles California at MDOC.

Thankfully I landed in the care of a Believer in Christ as a counseler. Although as part of her job she wasn't supposed to use any religion as part of her job, she explained her life and I thought "this is one strong person talking about this to a stranger", especially since my whole life I was ashamed to tell anyone except my Aunt + Uncle just a few months before.

She went on to explain that people (statisticly) just don't start abusing children. Chances were very high that he was probally abused as a child. She went on to explain that all the sycology books in the world couldn't give her peace she had with the whole situation, but one book. The Holy Bible. I had been reading my Bible, praying and taking instructions from my Aunt + Uncle.

For most of my life I was driven by my past. Holding on to the pain and anger made me feel like an outcast. At a early age this led to drug addiction, being distant, not being there when I was needed most. Not being a good father, son, brother and husband is my deepest regrets. I have. I have been addicted to drugs all of my life. The short of it was...I was a sinner. Despite the wrong that happened to me I was no better than anyone else. I often thought that I would get a pass into heaven for the hell I went through. That is something not found anywhere in the Bible. However I found in (Matthew 6:14-15) "For if you forgive men for their transgressions, your Heavenly Father will forgive you." (Matthew 6-15) says "but if you do not forgive man, then your heavenly Father will not forgive you." I had lived a life of sin . Despite what had happened to me, I was a sinner. That is taking full inventory of myself. Jesus said (Matthew 7:1-2) "Do not judge lest you be judged. For in the same way you judge, you will be judged, and by your standard of measure, it will be measured to you." I was judgemental, I held hate in my heart. As much as I tryed to get past my past it always bubbled up when people broke my heart and when I broke my own heart. In doing this I was anchored to a foul way of thinking. I was feeling that my identity was my past. I spoke it and acted upon it. Even then I didn't open up and talk about it was a weight that held me down. It caused me to be hateful and negative. Jesus said (Matthew 15:18 "But the things that proceed out of the mouth come from the heart and these defile the man." This verse made me take a further inventory of myself. I had doubt on my failure, hated my past, and this negative thinking mixed with drug addiction was more than I could take at times. I had always believed in Jesus (Mark 16:16) Jesus said "He who has believed and has been baptized shall be saved; but he who has disbelieved shall be condemned." I have always believed in Jesus. But in my darkest hours in my teenaged years, I often blamed God for the hurt and shame. During those times I would often sit in my room with a gun barrel in my mouth searching for the courage to pull the trigger. My fear of the Lord prevented me from that courage (Philippians 1:6) says "God began doing a good work in you, and I am sure He will continue it until it is finished when Jesus Christ comes again." Many have heard this next verse but when God speaks, He has no favorites what He does for one of his children, He will do for all of His children. (Jeremiah 29:11-13) God said through the prophet Jeremiah "For I know the plans that I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart." This very verse gave me so much hope that despite what life handed me, all the negatives, God wanted and would restore me. (John 15:7) Jesus says "If you abide in Me, and My words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it shall be done for you. By this is My Father glorified, that you bear much fruit, and so prove to be My disciple. Just as My Father has loved Me, I have also loved you, abide in My love." With that verse I know I not only had to forgive those that brought harm to me but love them also. Its impossible! Until you first forgive yourself! Not only forgive yourself, but love yourself. Jesus said "abide in My love" (John 15:10) "If you keep My commandments you will abide in My love; just as I have kept My Father's commandments, and abide in His love." The first thing I learned about renewing of the heart and mind is this "listen to the Spirit within yourself" (John 15:27). Jesus says "When the Helper comes, whom I will send you from the Father, that is the Spirit of truth, who proceeds from the Father, He will bear witness of Me." (John 16:13) Jesus says "But when He, the Spirit of truth, comes, He will guide into all the truth; for He will not on His own initiative, but whatever He will speak; and He will disclose to you what is to come." Now is life easy?..not always. I struggle from time to time. Perfect? Far from it. Do I get discouraged? Yes. Do I hate the things I used to love? Yes! That is proof that the Spirit is working in my life. (John 16:8) says "And He, when He comes. Will convict the world concerning sin and righteousness, and judgment." When I do or say something that I know I shouldn't am I convicted? Yes! That small feeling is all the proof I need to let me know that the Spirit of God is working in my life, cleansing me day by day. Where I once hated someone or something I now have compassion. The man that caused me so much trauma, now my heart breaks for him. My earthly father that let me down when I truly needed him, I forgave him and love him. All that is in the past, where it needs to be. Renewing of the heart and mind is starting fresh in Jesus Christ. I am no longer the victim of abuse, a drug addict or lost. The Glory of God has been shown by taking these labels from me. I have been delivered from them. Its taken over 40 years to share my story to anyone. I don't even cry anymore when I share it. Jesus said give it to Him, He will carry it. His promises are true. Its all down to God. Don't just give up. Fight the Good Fight. Keep the Faith. Cry out to God, He is waiting for you. Listen for the still small voice. I love you and encourage you to take it to God. Remember that when you are crying, He hears. I pray this Testimony brings All Glory to God, nothing is possible without Him.

Will you give your life to Him?

Please consult a licensed attorney for legal advice.